Maybe you are infinite

I don’t know who I really am without the voices in my head. There is a quote in one of my favourite books - Turtles all the way down

All my life I had been unable to think straight, unable to finish having a thought because my thoughts came not in lines but in knotted loops curling in upon themselves.

I recently watched the movie based on the book and I feel like I found the answer to my curling thoughts

Maybe it’s turtles all the way down and maybe you are infinite

I think we look for answers a-lot, I know I do. I have always questioned the end of these knotted loops in my head, only to understand that they are infinite. Sounds scary doesn’t it? It does to me too but accepting them to be infinite helped me accept myself as being infinite.

Lord Krishna says that our soul is infinite. When we die our body dies but our soul travels. Weirdly when I read this I breathed a sigh of relief like I was just rescued from the hill house (still my favourite series). Ever since I was young I have always asked my parents whether we meet up in the sky as stars and my mom would always tear up listening to this. Her tears became my answer and my answers became my anxiety. I think that was the first time I started developing this feeling because I realised I have no control over saving others and losing them means losing myself.

I made my own reality in my own little world. Now this world consists of tangled loops but there is always a safe way to untangle them :)

I allow myself to live in the reality I believe in and these realities rooted from my infinite thoughts.I no longer question myself the end of these loops. In fact I have started to befriend them.

That’s the thing about our struggles and us. The sooner we realise that we need to walk together and accept them as a part of us, the sooner we’ll be able to stop questioning ourselves.

I still don’t know whether I am a different person without these loops but as the time goes by I’ve realised that I want these loops to be a part of me. They make me and they are me. They make me infinite and I’d rather have turtles all the way down than having no turtles at all.